Cornwall today declared independence from the UK with a flash referendum which saw 95% of the indigenous population vote overwhelmingly for the border to be closed.
Cornwall is under extraordinary pressure during the Coronavirus outbreak, with only one truly functioning hospital at Treliske and a steadily swelling population of holidaymakers, campers, mobile home and second home owners swarming the county in the run up to Easter.
Local MP and wizard, David Odin, said, “we’ve decided to close the Tamar. Nobody is getting in and nobody is getting out. Our hospital is already stretched to capacity. I can’t tell you any more than that. Not until I get the go-ahead from ‘The Duke'”
Gun turrets were today erected on the pylons of the Tamar bridge beneath a black and white Cornish flag splashed with blood.
Cornish Reserve and pagan priest, Barry Dunstable, told us, “people are being asked to bring their own pitch forks. We’ve set up a tractor road block on the A30 (though, to be fair, that’s always been there) and we’re finally going to be able to use that secret missile silo on St Michael’s Mount. It’s been a logistical nightmare because nobody in Cornwall owns a mobile phone or TV.”
The flash point was thought to occur as thousands of holidaymakers and second home owners flouted government guidelines to stay in their homes and, instead, poured into Britain’s southernmost county, clogging major roads and putting pressure on already stretched health services.
The announcement follows shocking news that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s private aircraft crashed somewhere in the Camborne district on Wednesday morning. Johnson was carrying a briefcase, rumoured by some to contain the Coronavirus vaccine.
Acting Prime Minister, Dominic Raab, told the Daily Shunt, “Boris is alive and luckily the briefcase was attached to his wrist by a chain and handcuffs. It was also fitted with a tracking beacon. We’re going to do everything in our power to get inside Cornwall and get that briefcase back.”
When asked what Raab intended to do to fulfill this promise he glanced nervously at a grizzled man wearing a brown leather jacket, sleeveless black vest and an eyepatch over one eye. “We have something in mind,” Raab muttered.
UPDATE: A statement was released this afternoon by the Duke of Cornwall, self-appointed overlord of the county since this morning, stating they have the Prime Minister and intend to keep the vaccine. “If any more rescue attempts are made,” the Duke warned in a statement released to the press, “we’ll kill Boris.” He then laughed for a full three minutes in a way that experts are describing as ‘sinister’.
UPDATE: A spectacular gunfight unfolded at the Tamar bridge just an hour ago. According to eye witness reports, a heavily armoured vehicle charged the tractor road block. A lone man, dressed in a leather jacket, sleeveless black shirt and an eye patch over one eye, was seen to exit the vehicle, hoist a shotgun over his shoulder and rush off into the depths of Cornwall without looking back.
Raab addressed the nation urging for calm. “We have a man on the inside. If anyone can save Boris and get the vaccine back to London where it belongs, he can. In the meantime, I urge you all to put your hands together and pray. It’s all we’ve got right now Goddammit.”