Finding a job is a stressful and difficult process, made all the harder when the job you’re applying for isn’t real.
We’ve joined forces with job recruitment website Indeed to compile a list of ten fictional and ridiculously unlikely jobs. Do you think you could do any of these if push came to shove? Let us know in the comments.
10 Professional Tree Impersonator
The UK is currently experiencing a huge shortfall in the number of professional tree impersonation candidates. But (apart from the fact that the job doesn’t exist) it’s hard to imagine why.
As a professional tree impersonator you can expect great pay levels and rewarding work, we’ve decided. Moreover, most tree impersonators (if there were any) average just 18 to 25 hours per week! However, when you are working you can expect those hours to be intense.
Jamie Constantine from Indeed told us, “tree impersonation jobs don’t exist. That definitely… no that doesn’t exist. Tree surgeons, yes. We see a lot of those. If any of your readers are tree surgeons tell them to look on Indeed to find the right job for them in their area.”
9 Train Pusher
Modern trains are large, cumbersome machines and all of them are furnished with a mechanical engine which gives them every bit of the power they need to move along train tracks or ‘lines’.
For this reason, there are currently no openings for a train pusher in the UK and even if there was a suitable candidate would need to display exceptional strength. Some of these trains weigh between 80 to 120 metric tonnes and that’s without carriages attached
Matt Baker from Indeed warned, “train pushing is not a job as far as I know. Unless you mean train drivers. Train drivers aren’t very on-demand at the moment but openings do pop up from time to time. It’s a surprisingly skilled sector. There’s a lot more to driving trains than you’d think.”
8 Landmark Swallower
Whether its gulping down Ben Nevis or getting your laughing gear around the Eiffel Tower, this is one job for which candidates will definitely need a strong stomach.
There are literally zero job openings for landmark swallowers on Indeed right now, but if there were we imagine the rate of application would be high, making this a competitive industry.
Jamie Constantine gave us the low down. “I don’t really know what that is. What I would say to your readers is that now is the time to get those CVs uploaded. You want to let potential employers know you’re available for work.”
7 Crab Wrestler
A job you’re unlikely to see advertised in the local small ads, qualified and certificated crab wrestling can be a lucrative career choice, but only if someone decides to pay you a lot of money to do it and only if you’re a crab.
There are no right or wrong ways to get started in crab wrestling, but strictly speaking you need to be invested in wrestling other crabs for territory and mating priveleges.
Matt Baker offered his advice, “I don’t see how that could possibly be a job.”
6 Undertaker for the Living (for a living)
Undertaking for people who are still alive certainly isn’t for everyone, that’s for sure. While traditional undertaking is a valid career choice, it almost always, if not always, entails burying people who have already passed on.
Jamie Constantine explained, “assuming you mean undertaking, this is a role for a very specific type of person. But yes, Indeed sees these roles come up from time to time. As a general bit of advice I’d say flexibility is the hallmark of the smart job seeker. Never say never!”
5 Letterbox Stylist
Letterbox designers, believe it or not, exist. Letterboxes don’t design themselves after all. But letterbox stylists who provide fashion advice and hair styling techniques to letterboxes, currently do not exist.
Matt Baker told the Daily Shunt, “I would wish anyone hoping to enter the world of letterbox design the very best of luck and would welcome their CV on my desk! As a caveat I would say, however, that this is a very limited profession so you can expect job openings to be rare.”
4 John Lennon’s Personal Assistant
You might think that being the PA to a globally recognised superstar responsible for such musical classics as Imagine and I Am the Walrus might be a dream job come true. Unfortunately you’d be wrong as John Lennon has been dead since 1980. For this reason alone there are currently no openings on Indeed.co.uk for a personal assistant to John Lennon.
Jamie Constantine said, “look, are any of these jobs you’re asking me about actually going to be real jobs. I thought you said you were going to promote Indeed. We’ve paid you quite a lot of money.”
3 Pun General Practitioner
Where would we be without doctors? Health professionals are always in-demand but you won’t get a job as even a regular GP without a university education specifically tailored to the medical profession.
A lack of graduate degrees and post-graduate training for the field of pun related healing means there is a massive shortfall in the number of GPs who treat their patients with puns in this country. On the other hand, roles are few and far between, so if you do find an opening, you can expect to face some stiff competition.
Matt Baker of Indeed.co.uk explained, “Jamie says you’re not taking this seriously and I can now see that this is just a big joke to you. I’m not going to answer any more of your questions and I think I need to talk to the marketing manager about this whole arrangement.”
2 Lion Juggler
Juggling is one of the rarest and hardest jobs on Earth. Only a handful of jugglers ever achieve the extraordinary level of skill required to turn what is, for most, a hobby into a profession.
Juggling lions might sound entertaining and something we’d all love to see at the circus, but it is in fact hugely impractical, dangerous and impossible and for this reason, does not exist.
Fran Fitz-Gerald, marketing director of Indeed.co.uk, expanded, “we regret to inform you that the arrangement as agreed upon during Friday’s telephone meeting has been withdrawn. We have reviewed our business arrangement and have decided that we cannot, in good faith, fulfill payment for promotional terms given the material submitted. Kind regards, Fran Fitz-Gerald, Marketing Director (senior) Indeed.co.uk”.
1 Recruitment Agency Marketing Director
Some jobs require a finely tuned skillset, graduate studies and people-skills, while others require only that the candidate display an ability to breathe in and out and is vaguely human shaped (usually).
Marketing directors for recruitment agencies fall into the latter bracket, thus it is possible for even a psychologically unhinged hosebeast with zero charisma and literally the personality of dog barf to get this job.
While this role does actually exist (believe it or not) it is a pile of shit and really shouldn’t. If you’ve decided this is the career choice for you we don’t know what to say and you probably wouldn’t understand a word of it if we did since you probably have a hard time understanding anything, even when it’s written out very clearly to you in an email with bullet points and everything.
So there you have it, our top ten list of jobs you simply won’t find anywhere on any recruitment website anywhere in the world. So if you’re looking to make a career for yourself in any of the above roles we wish you the best of luck. Remember to persevere and keep reaching for your dreams! In the meantime, check out http://www.indeed.co.uk for loads of jobs that do exist!