A gigantic, directionless finger of blame was sighted hovering over the city of London yesterday, and again this morning, as thousands of commuters boarded tube trains despite Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s historic announcement yesterday that the country is in lock down.
The finger, which is thought to have been created by a growing sense of unrest on social media, has been spotted at a variety of locations across the world, appearing most frequently over China.
At the weekend the colossal digit was seen looming in the sky over several British landmarks as citizens flouted advice to remain at home and instead flocked in their droves to the Welsh hills and tourist hotspots such as Snowdonia.
The enormous disembodied hand with its accusing finger had, in previous weeks, seemed fixated on supermarkets as it appeared to target panic buyers and toilet roll hoarders. But the finger soon moved on and has since floated the length and breadth of the country, targeting families walking in the park, people catching trains and even some famous names. Most common of all the sightings are those seen over Westminster as the Prime Minister begins his daily press briefings.
Scientists at the London Institute for Studies into Abstract Anthropological Manifestations, believe the giant finger was first created by social media but has also been inflated by the press and media.
“People want someone to blame,” Chief Science Officer, Alan Bradbury of the LISAAM told the Daily Shunt, “they can’t blame the virus. It’s a virus. It’s doing what viruses do. But people like to know who the villain is and in their, often misguided attempts to find the monster, they inadvertently create one of their own.”
Ben Wallace, the Secretary of State for Defence, has released a statement in an effort to reassure the public. “We are keeping a very close eye on the giant finger of blame. So far it seems to be fairly unthreatening but if it starts smashing down skyscrapers and batting helicopters out of the air, rest assured we have the army on standby and ready to move onto the nation’s streets.”
As thousands of Londoners appeared to ignore the PM’s request for everyone to stay indoors this morning, filling tube stations and the streets of the country’s capitals, Daily Shunt reporters risked all to ask them why they were shunning what amounts to very clear government advice.
“I’m a key worker,” Jane Gammel told us. “I work in a hospital. My husband is a vet. He had to get the tube this morning too. We’re just trying to get through this.”
Steve Yeo, an architect who runs his own business in the heart of London, said, “I’ve had the virus already. It was horrible, but I’m better now and I need to keep my business going. I realise how bad it looks, but if I don’t go to work my business will collapse.”
Ashiq Basu explained as he pushed his way through a crowded King’s Cross, “I work at a call centre and my employers refuse to shut. If I stay at home, they’ll fire me. If I do the right thing, I’m out of a job. If I do the wrong thing, my family eat. You tell me what I should do?”
Wondering if the giant finger of blame should perhaps be turning its sights to the call centre for whom Ashiq works, we asked him for his employer’s number. Felix Khan, who owns the call centre in question, told us over the phone:
“We are not a limited company and we don’t fall under the very vague terms that seem to define a business in the government’s eyes so there are no grants or bailouts for us. I’m essentially self employed and there is zero financial support for the self employed during this crisis. My employees will lose their jobs if I shut this place down because we rely on cashflow from our clients. So you tell me what I’m supposed to do.”
The giant finger of blame did appear to flicker briefly over Felix’s call centre but then seemed to change its mind. Instead the finger drifted purposefully back toward Westminster where our government now faces the onerous task of carrying us through the most significant and alarming national emergency since the outbreak of World War 2.