The American Institute of Science has published a groundbreaking nine year study which purportedly proves the ‘demonstrable’ existence of God.
The study shows that God exists ‘beyond all reasonable doubt’ in the form of Dwayne Jackson, a 38 year old unemployed gun enthusiast and ardent Trump supporter from Marksville Louisiana.
Paula O-Shea, head of the study and a lecturer at New York University, revealed the results of an arduous research program spanning almost a decade when her paper was published by the AIS on Friday. The paper was met with almost universal derision by the scientific community and has prompted an intervention which friends and family of O-Shea say has ‘been a long time coming’.
O-Shea is said to have blackmailed fellow scientists at the AIS, forcing them to publish the paper while knowing full well it had not been peer reviewed and was entirely unsubstantiated.
Meanwhile, Dwayne Jackson, dressed in a black Metallica t-shirt and sporting tattoos over 75% of his body, said that he was ‘as surprised as everyone else’ by the results of the intensive study.
“I always knew I was special in some way, but never imagined it was because I was God.”
Evangelists and Christian movements up and down the United States were today calling for the immediate deification of Jackson after flocks of well wishers, worshippers and pilgrims arrived on his doorstep on Saturday morning, swamping the small town in which he lives and raising concerns amidst the Coronavirus outbreak.
Televangelist Kenneth Copeland, who last week warned his followers that they must keep donating even if they lose their jobs as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, told reporters, “Science has just fallen to its knees and admitted what we already knew. I’ve come here, to the small town of Marksville, to pledge my undying allegiance to the Lord God Almighty in the form of Dwayne Jackson and urge all my followers to do the same and to bring their wallets.”
“God should not be living in a house like this,” Copeland said as he gestured to Jackson’s run-down single storey home whose yard has been converted into a temporary campsite, with some worshippers resorting to sleeping in one of six wrecked cars that sit on the property.
Copeland went on, “the Creator of the Universe should live in a gold mansion with a butler and a bath made of diamonds. It’s up to us to make that happen. I, of course, will attend the Saviour in his new home as live-in advisor and protect him from all those Devil-worshipping sinners who populate the media and will no doubt be looking for an exclusive.”
A lawyer for the American Institute of Science said today, “it seems O-Shea had some photographs of prominent members on the editorial board. We don’t know how she got them or what the photos contained but we believe she used them to blackmail staff into publishing her paper. The paper has since been rescinded and proven to be a work of utter fantasy and fiction. O-Shea is in the custody of authorities and the institute is yet to decide whether or not to press charges.”
Head of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis, is expected to visit Jackson just as soon as flights from Europe are allowed to land on American soil. He is said to be concerned by the results of the report, telling senior aides that he fears God may try to lay claim to some or all of the vast wealth stored beneath the Vatican.
“The visit is a pre-emptive move on the part of the Pope,” a Vatican advisor told an Italian newspaper at the weekend. “His grace wants to make sure God doesn’t have his beady eyes on any of our gold. I mean, we sort of had an inkling that He existed but we never thought He’d actually show up. It puts us in a very awkward position.”
Talking on the phone to reporters yesterday in an interview peppered with chuckling and long, inexplicable pauses, Dwayne Jackson said he was in ‘a great mood’ and keen to start his new role as supreme ruler of the cosmos.
“First things first, I wanna make Joe Biden President of Earth. There’s gonna be non-stop parties and I’m makin’ all the drugs legal.”
On the subject of natural disasters, infant mortality, cancer, the Coronavirus, aids and serial killers, God remained reticent. “I can’t be expected to fix everythin’ straight away. I only just got here.”
When asked what Heaven is like and whether or not there really is a Hell, God simply said, “yup. All that.”
Critics of the study and those who remain dubious about Dwayne Jackson’s credentials have been quick to point out that the whole thing seems very unlikely. Jackson, meanwhile, remains stalwart in his insistence that the research is sound.
“You can’t argue with science. After all, I invented science and you can’t argue with the guy who invented science. If it weren’t for me there’d be no science or scientists, so they should be thankin’ me. If they ain’t careful I’ll uninvent science, then they’ll be out of their fancy big city jobs. Instead of science we’ll have…” Jackson thought deeply for a moment, “Grfftrbrg, which is the opposite of science only cooler.”
When asked if Einstein’s theory of relativity, the Big Bang paradigm and quantum physics are in any way close to the mark, Jackson replied, “yup. All that.”