A record number of middle class parents up and down the country have been forced to home school their children following a national schools closure in the midst of the Coronavirus outbreak. And while many mums and dads are rising to the occassion, most are sinking into a black and fathomless hole of despair as they realise the problem wasn’t with the school or teacher after all.
“It’s been horrible. Just horrible.” Ken Dart from Essex, whose wife Anne is a doctor and therefore classified as a key worker, has been homeschooling his three children aged 8, 9 and 11.
“They stole my lunch money on Monday then stuck my head down the toilet and pulled the flush. They said they’d give me a Chinese burn if I told their mum. They chant shiny-head willy-wanker at me whenever I try to set them work. One can only assume it’s a jibe at my lack of hair. I’m a 46 year old chartered accountant. I shouldn’t have to deal with this kind of abuse. I did try to get a hair transplant a few years back, but the clinicians said I had the wrong type of follicles.”
Agatha Gently, a single mother of two who, until recently, worked as an administration manager in a bank, confessed she was unprepared for the ‘rigours’ of being in charge of her own children and has ‘newfound respect’ for those in the teaching profession.
“The first day was not too bad, but then they started calling me Mrs Poo Head which really undermined my self confidence and things started to slide from there. Today they kept interrupting me with “er” every time I spoke. I couldn’t finish a single sentence. I’ve been in the toilet with the door locked since lunch time. I need to sneak out and get the wine at some point but I’m pretty sure they’re setting some kind of trap in the pantry.”
Katherine Cooper, a flight attendant for Virgin Airways who is married to commercial aircraft pilot Keith, is home schooling her four children aged 6, 7, 7 and 8 respectively. She told the Daily Shunt that her offspring have been blowing raspberries in time with her footsteps. “I had loads of really great lessons planned. I thought, ‘I can do this. How hard can it be?’ Then they started the farting noises and didn’t stop for… well I think it was five hours but it’s all a bit of a blur.”
Grandparents up and down the country, who are classified as vulnerable according to scientific advice, have been spared the onus of looking after their grandchildren amid fears they could be exposed to the deadly virus. This has forced parents to step into the shoes of teachers, with alarming results.
“Oh god, it’s hilarious,” grandfather, Jon Hedges who has a total of six grandchildren, wiped tears of mirth from his eyes as he spoke to our reporter. “Talk about karma. For years my son and daughter have been raising a bunch of little monsters then palming them off on the nearest sucker whenever they want to have friends over for dinner or go shopping for stupidly expensive sofas. I give it a week before the pair of them are in the Priory and the kids are in care.”
Professor Docherty Mitchell, a lecturer in socialist behaviour at Exeter university, explained, “middle class parents are accustomed to using schools and teachers as perfect scapegoats for the spoilt behaviour of their own children. But this unprecedented situation is forcing some parents to wake up to the fact that the darling fruits of their loins are, in fact, a bunch of little jerks and teachers are actually latter day saints for suffering them on a daily basis.”
Anne Cosgrove, who has been home schooling her children while self-isolating at her upper middle-class home in Sussex, described her agony as she hid in the cupboard under the stairs.
“I’m used to just letting them get on with it. If we go shopping I’ll just drop them off at the electronics section of Sainsburys and let them trash the shelves then collect them at checkout time. If Alan and I go on holiday there’s usually a creche to dump them in. This horrible virus has made it impossible to palm the little nightmares off on anyone. I hope I get this virus and die. How quickly does it take effect, do you know? Do you think I’ll be out of my misery by Wednesday?”
Meanwhile, Richard Idle, father of four and, until self-isolation forced him away from the office, the executive manager of a prominent forex firm, lamented his lack of experience when it comes to his own children.
“I’m used to the cut and thrust of office politics, working late and enjoying the fact that they’re all in bed asleep by the time I get home. But living with these little bastards when they’re awake is a whole new level of stress. I’ve met drivers on the M25 who would be reduced to tears by some of the behaviour I’ve witnessed. I’ve been drinking the leftover Christmas sherry to get me through the days. Sorry, day. It’s only been one day. Feels like so much longer.”