Daniel Radcliffe, a British actor and wizard studying magic at Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, has alleged that the Coronavirus pandemic is the work of a super villain whom he names as Voldemort but which the rest of the wizarding world refer to as ‘He Who Must Not be Named.’
The revelation comes as Radcliffe – a student of the famous magical school whose doors were closed on Monday to all but the most vulnerable children – prepared to explore the school after dark using an invisibility cloak and the help of friends Emma Watson and Rupert Grint in an attempt to find clues implicating the alleged culprit.
“We’ll be wandering around the school after lights out,” Radcliffe told a Sun Entertainment reporter yesterday as he discussed his role in upcoming movie Young Americans. “It’s the best way to find clues.”
When asked what clues Radcliffe hoped to find, he responded, “I dunno. We’ll find something. I have some experience with this sort of thing. Clues just sort of fall in your lap.”
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Voldemort’s camp, English actor Jason Isaacs described the accusations as ‘ludicrous’.
“The Radcliffe boy is always trying to blame every little problem on the dark lord. He’ll probably do what he usually does and twist the evidence to fit his own agenda using convoluted plot devices and deux ex machina, ultimately ending in the humiliation of anyone who doesn’t belong to his academic clique. Never mind that the origins of this virus are demonstrable and the Chinese government have been quite transparent in admitting culpability.”
Headmaster of Hogwarts, Professor Michael Gambon, was elusive in a statement concerning Radcliff’s claim that Voldemort, a former pupil at the school, is in some way responsible for the global pandemic. “Daniel is a very special boy. If he thinks the dark lord has returned then I for one would be inclined to listen.”
Tom Felton, who is a fellow student at Hogwarts, was dubious about the accusation. “Radcliffe always has to be at the centre of every little drama. You can’t possibly have a global pandemic without him being involved and somehow saving everyone. He’s a narcissist obsessed with his own public relations. He has some Scottish tart writing his biography, but it’s all made up lies. He’d write it himself, but he’s completely illiterate. He never attends classes. He’s too busy ‘looking for clues’, staying up until all hours with those friends of his and appearing in fringe theatre.”
Detractors have criticised Radcliffe’s accusations and cast doubts on the support he seems to enjoy in Gambon.
“Gambon is funny about that kid,” Hogwarts ghost and Monty Python star, John Cleese, said in a recent expose on the mysterious school.
“He lets him get away with murder and he’s horribly biased when it comes to house points. Slytherin actually did very well last year but Gambon used a bunch of made up rules to give all their points to Gryffindor which, coincidentally, just so happens to be Daniel Radcliffe’s house. It’s all very murky. I’m not prompting you to draw any particular conclusions, you understand, but Radcliffe spends an unusual amount of time in Gambon’s office. Most of the other kids barely see the headmaster except on special occassions.”
Asked if Daniel Radcliffe had a girlfriend at Hogwarts, Cleese shook his head, which subsequently nearly fell of. “Suspicious isn’t it? I mean, have you seen Watson? She’s top shelf material. Radcliffe is more interested in staring at his own reflection in a mirror. Sits in front of it for hours sometimes.”
Lord Voldemort has been unavailable for comment since the allegations came to light but is believed to have been in private meetings with Tory ministers in recent days and is even rumoured to have a hand in so-called government Cobra meetings.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson dismissed these rumours as he rubbed his wrist at a recent press conference. “That’s not why we call them Cobra meetings. I mean. Not that you were thinking that. But in case you were. It isn’t. It’s because cobras are really cool. Not that I love snakes or anything. I don’t and I don’t know why you’d suggest I do. Even though you didn’t.”