Politicians and Press Blamed for Lack of Societal Division During Virus Outbreak

The Coronavirus affects everyone, from the smallest and poorest to the largest and wealthiest in society. Whether you’re left wing, right wing, a neo-Nazi or Greta Thunberg, you are a target for the virus. It knows no borders, no colour and defeating it requires everyone works together.

For this reason, politicians and journalists working for toilet-paper subsitutes such as The Daily Mail, The Sun and The Guardian are being blamed for a distinct lack of division among the British public as they are forced to abandon usually effective them-vs-us tactics to win votes and sell papers.

Johnson – unstoppable disease

Commenting on the issue, Daily Mail editor Geordie Greig said:

“With Brexit it was soooo easy to pull the wool over the eyes of our dumbass readers. We could target the blacks, the royals, the lefties, the socialists, you name it, and the numpties who pay us (pay us mind you!) to read the tripe we churn out on a daily basis lapped it up.”

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“But this Coronavirus affects everyone and we’re not really proper journalists you see, so we just don’t know how to approach it as a news item. We tried being sympathetic to our readers’ plights but it’s not really us. We’re actually a bit disappointed we can’t be there in person to see each one of them perish horribly in a hospital corridor if I’m being totally honest.”

The Daily Mail – contamination

The Conservative party are also struggling to seed division and were recently accused by right wing grognard Nigel Farage of doing far too little to stoke the fires of racial and class divide during the Coronavirus outbreak.

An anonymous Number 10 insider told The Daily Shunt, “Boris is getting heckled from every direction. Usually he’d make a glib remark about how funny Muslims look or how homosexuals like bums and everyone would grin and say something like, “good old Boris, he always says it like it is. You’ve got to love him.” But he can’t even do that now because everyone is in the same boat. It’s like he’s expected to actually be a politician. Nobody in Whitehall knows quite what to do. Well, Corbyn does, but we’re not going down that road. Not until we’re absolutely desperate anyway.”

Farage – viral infection

Jacob Rees-Mogg, who yesterday was seen by other members of Parliament blubbing into one of Nanny’s freshly ironed handkerchiefs in the House of Commons, is said to be devastated.

“It’s basically Moggy’s go-to and he can’t use it anymore. You can’t claim the virus is the fault of the blacks or the Asians or the people who lived in the Grenfell tower, because it isn’t and everyone knows it isn’t, no matter how hard you spin it.”

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Dominic Cummings, Boris Johnson’s murky ‘behind the shadows’ advisor, is said to be working ‘day and night’ on the problem in an effort to come up with some way to point the finger of blame and cut the country in half again.

Those close to the diminutive puppet master say he is terrified that the current crisis will unify not only Britain but the entire world, as leaders and public alike join forces to combat the spread of the virus.

“That really would be a terrible blow to Dominic after all the work he and his mannequins in Westminster have done to rip the country in twain,” a friend close to the bald-pated strategist told a prominent British newspaper yesterday. “He’s had his hand up Boris’s arse for a long time, which isn’t a nice place to have your hand even for a few minutes. He’s very worried all his evil scheming will be for nothing if the British public come out of this mess stronger and bound by mutual experience.”

Cummings – horribly contagious

As the virus continues to bring nations to their knees across the globe, world leaders have been stepping up to the plate to introduce measures designed to help their citizens and slow the devastating effects of the disease. The unfolding drama has revealed socialist tendencies in sectors of society which, until just months ago, were running rampant with nationalism and self-interest.

Social commentator and writer for the New Statesman, Albert Hall, said in a recent article. “In this unprecedented age of self-isolation we’re finally seeing why it’s so important that we all work together to keep the cogs of society turning. It really is a funny old world.”

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Meanwhile The Sun believes it may have hit on a possible solution, focusing on panic buyers in a desperate attempt to create a them and us sentiment among its readers. “Our readers need something or someone to hate,” editor Victoria Newton explained, “but it’s very hard to find a decent target for their bottomless animosity in the current atmosphere. Then we realised panic buyers are a bunch of twats and went with that.”

“Hopefully we can trigger some real bile and have the public at one anothers’ throats again as soon as possible. Frankly I miss the Corbyn days. He only had to leave his house in the morning and we had six pages right there. People were baying for his blood and he hadn’t even done anything wrong! It was brilliant. I had a lie-in most days because I could literally do my job in my sleep. Toilet rolls and hand sanitizer just aren’t in the same league.”

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