Police Urge Public to Report Nuisance Sports Commentators During C19 Crisis

Police have urged members of the public to report instances of out-of-work sports commentators following them around and commentating on their daily lives as the usual focus for their commentating dries up in the wake of Coronavirus sports cancellations.

Cressida Dick, head of the Metropolitan police, released a statement today in which she said, “with so many sports fixtures cancelled, these people have nothing to comment on and many are at a loose end. We’ve had worrying reports of suspects following members of the public around with imaginary microphones, commentating on their daily lives. We urge people to report such instances so we can clamp down on this before it gets out of hand.”

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The news comes after major sporting events, including the French Open, Premier League and Euro 2020 were cancelled in an effort to stem the spread of the deadly Coronavirus, leaving many commentators with nothing to comment on.

Football yesterday

John Bailey, an unemployed piano tuner from Barnstaple became the latest victim of the phenomenon when football pundit and ex West Ham player, Trevor Brooking, latched onto him in an Asda car park,

“It was terrifying. I was just putting my shopping away when suddenly Trevor Brooking appears in a big sheepskin coat and starts talking about my technique into a pretend microphone which I later learned was a banana. I consider myself to be an intermediate when it comes to putting shopping in the boot of my car but Brooking was very critical. Then Peter Drury turned up and they started having a discussion about how I might have done it better if I put the heavier bag full of cans on the back seat instead of putting it on top of a bag full of pita breads and lettuce.”

Brooking – pita bread

Similar incidents have been reported in other parts of the country, with shoppers in Elephant and Castle alarmed on Tuesday to find John Motson, aka Motty (who recently announced he was coming out of retirement to work for Talksport) and ITV’s Jon Champion ‘lurking’ at a busy junction. The pair then started to commentate on the unsuspecting pedestrians’ road-crossing techniques.

“One minute everything was normal,” a witness told The Daily Shunt, “the next there are these two old duffers in sheepskin coats discussing my ability to cross the road. It was quite insulting, especially when one of them said my left foot was weaker than my right.”

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The emerging trend is thought to be a sign of the times. Anne Stokes, a psychology lecturer at the University of Leeds, explained:

“These commentators are struggling to adjust to normal life and are just doing in the wild what they would otherwise be doing in their natural environment.”

Lineker – celery

The police announcement comes on the back of the very public arrest of Gary Lineker on Friday as he attempted to commentate at a post office in Milton Keynes. Lineker is charged with harrassing a queue of elderly people collecting their pensions. Octogenarian Frank Harmsworthy, 82, said:

“Lineker was talking into a piece of celery and had one finger stuck in his ear. He called my pension collecting abilities ‘lamentable’ and said I should have crossed earlier. He then followed me home, drawing attention to my weak left foot. It’s not my fault I have a weak left foot. I got hit by shrapnel during the war.”

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