House of Lords up in Arms as Boris Johnson Declares 'All Brothels Must Close Their Doors' Starting Monday.

In his daily update to the nation, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent a shockwave through the House of Commons, House of Lords and the BBC Director General’s office by adding brothels to the list of establishments which must close their doors in a bid to slow the spread of the Coronavirus.

In a move which left many Parliamentarians weeping privately in their wood-panelled chambers, Johnson said “believe me, it pains me deeply to say this, but the experts are all in agreement, no more old brass.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg – ‘whips’

CEOs of businesses up and down the country have started a Change.org petition in an attempt to reverse the move, which many are describing as ‘a blow to democracy and a stab in the heart of the economy’.

Claire Short, a spokesperson for the Royal Society for the Protection of Men in Suits and Ties was critical of the government’s decision. “Every single member of the House of Lords, every Sky News producer and all those vulnerable individuals who have their own office in Canary Wharf will be affected by this new announcement.”

Michael Gove – ‘nipple clamps’

Sir Peter Ogilvy Esq. who allegedly earned his knighthood by introducing Prince Phillip to Lindsay Dawn McKenzie serves as a life peer in the House of Lords. While shovelling down mountains of Yorkshire Pudding paid for by the taxpayer, he asked the Daily Shunt, “what am I supposed to do now? Go home to my wife? She won’t even wear the collar and refuses to empty my nappy. Who is going to do that now?”

Jeremy Hunt – ‘saddle’

The Prime Minister offered his condolences to The Royal Society of Polo Players and the London Financial District, both of which have seen suicide rates triple since the announcement was made, but insisted the decision was necessary in order to slow the spread of Coronavirus through a handful of vital elderly members of high society.

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Chief Medical Officer, Professor Chris Whitty, went on to add that some of the most vulnerable and important old men in Britain frequently pay for a hand job from Polish victims of human trafficking and to pretend otherwise would put the lives of those old men at huge risk. “We will do whatever it takes to protect people who are more important than the rest of you,” he insisted, “even if that means they can no longer get the kind of jolly good spanking Nanny used to give.”

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