Great British Bake Off to 'Move With the Times' and Introduce Apocalypse Style Arena Combat

Channel Four has released plans to bring the Great British Bake-Off format up to date by introducing a Hunger Games style format which will see contestants armed with skimitars, sawn off shotguns and tridents.

Participants in the iconic British baking competition will ‘have at it’ in a move producers are calling a ‘reflection of the times’.

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Director, Andy Devonshire explained, “there will still be one winner with the same knock-out style formula viewers have come to love, but now when the winner is announced Pru Leith will slay the losers with a machette and wear their ears on a necklace as trophies in place of her usual guache beads.”

‘Judge Dread’ aka Paul Hollywood plans to run over contestants’ heads on his motorcycle in a move which will be called the Hollywood Hurt-quake.

Presenter Noel Fielding spoke to The Daily Shunt as he received his daily blood transfusion from a swooning virgin, “with the Coronas turning the world into an apocalyptic Mad Max style setting we thought it was the ideal time to drop the charade of quaint, friendly cake baking and go all-out Thunderdome. I think the public has the appetite for it and we’re all about giving the viewers what they want. It’s going to be brilliant actually.”

In a move which is sure to raise a few eyebrows, Channel Four have given the go ahead for a series of blood-soaked Celebrity Bake-Off episodes featuring the likes of Scarlett Moffatt, Lenny Henry and James Acaster.

“Contestants will be attempting to impress me in the usual way,” judge Paul Hollywood explained, “trying for a chance to win one of my famous Hollywood Handshakes and serve up something which doesn’t look too much like a turd covered in butter cream, but at the same time they’ll be fending one another off with a variety of lethal weapons while I stand in the background in a skimpy leather outfit caressing my nipples.”

Fielding delivers his signature “On your marks, get set, bake!”

While viewers can expect the usual challenge favourites, such as the Show Stopper, Signature and Technical Challenge, some new features will be introduced, including the Chamber of Gore, Chainsaw Champions and Severed Head Smackdown.

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Danish dwarf and much loved comedienne Sandy Toksvig, who presents the show alongside Dracula and Freddie Mercury’s love child, Noel Fielding, recently announced she will be retiring from the Great British Bake Off team after the next series but intends to ‘go out with a bang’.

“As a going away gift the producers have given me a custom made leather outfit resembling the one worn by Tina Turner in Mad Max 3. I’ve even got a miniature crossbow. It’s all very exciting. I can’t wait to impale Louis Theroux with a bolt if his show stopper isn’t up to standard.”

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