Birds Fear Potential Spread of 'Human Flu'

Birds are considering a global lock-down after scientists suggested that the human Coronavirus, Covid 19, may spread among the avian population.

A spokesperson for birds said earlier today that all birds should consider reducing the amount they travel, particularly those birds who naturally migrate, and that birds should avoid large groups or ‘flocks’.

“Birds of a feather flock together isn’t true in this case. Birds should be wary of flocking around with other birds, sitting in large gangs on telegraph wires, making V formations in the air and visiting popular bird locations like bird feeders and bird tables.”

A tit self-isolating in a drain pipe

The response from the bird community was mixed, with some asking, “if we’re not allowed to leave our nests, how are we supposed to forage for crustaceans, shit on cars and, in the case of seagulls, steal pasties and ice creams from vulnerable children?”

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The UK government today responded by announcing a daily press conference which would be conducted in a series of nonsensical hoots, whistles and prancing around on grass in order to keep the bird population updated on measures they are taking to halt the spread of the virus.

Angela Farnsworthy, head of the National Bird’s Union, welcomed the measures but warned, “most birds will heed the government’s advice, but some birds, especially sparrows, crows and magpies are a bunch of little shits and will do as they bloody well please no matter what the government says.”

Calls have been made from health officials for more stringent policies which would see the army and police forcing birds who refuse to comply with official advice to return to their nests.

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Snowball, a spokesman for the British Organisation of Cats, denounced the measures as ‘draconian’ saying that birds should be given the free choice to go out and about as they please.

“Keeping the birds safely tucked up in their nests won’t help to halt the spread of this human flu and will put some vulnerable birds at particular risk. Some birds live alone and this advice may frighten or confuse them. Our organisation has already volunteered to check in on such birds to offer them support and guidance.”

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