Television viewers watching the latest series of reality TV show Big Brother, in which contestants are sent into a sealed-off house and have no contact with the outside world, watched in amazement as thousands stormed the walls of the house, demanding to be let in so they would be safe from the global pandemic Coronavirus.
Contestants were stunned and confused when they heard chanting of ‘let us in’ coming from outside the house. Producers were quick to isolate housemates in the ‘diary room’ where they were told that things had ‘gone to shit’ and were each equipped with an assault rifle, gas mask and chainsaw.
“We are appalled to hear that this pandemic has occurred in our absence,” contestant Matthew Holeridge said in a frank diary room speech, “but we also know that we are now humanity’s only hope.”
As gunfire and screaming raged in the background, the tanned Holeridge who has been criticized by other housemates for not doing his fair share of cleaning in the kitchen, drew a six inch combat knife and waved it at the camera.
“Me and the others are going to repopulate the world by having lots of sex. We came in here before the outbreak and we’ve effectively been in total quarantine since. We are guaranteed to be Coronavirus-free. But our plan to rebuild civilization from the foundations up can only work if we remain isolated. We can’t let even one of those bastards in here. If we do it’s game over man.”
Big Brother producers were quick to defend the decision to issue heavy calibre machine guns to a group with the average IQ of an iced donut, saying that all staff and crew working on the show had taken up arms in defence of the house and would be holding all night vigils on the ramparts.
Press officer for the Big Brother franchise, Sarah Green told the Daily Shunt, “we’re pumped to defend what’s ours and keep those housemates Coronavirus free, even if that means the mass slaughter of innocents.”
Green, who had smeared blood on each cheek and wore a necklace of severed ears around her neck, went on to say, “the babies that will be born into the sterile environment of the Big Brother house will one day inherit the world.”
“Everywhere else will be a desolate scorched earth where roaming gangs of cannibal toilet roll thieves battle it out in some kind of death arena and drive cars made from lots of different bits taken from other cars and probably tanks and they’ll have names like Fang Slayer and Hack Maimer. Our housemates will represent a glimmer of hope amidst all that hate.”
Green went on to explain, “in the untouched and super clean environment of the house will arise a new form of civilisation where there is no sickness, only lots of arguing, funny team games and gratuitous nudity.”
Channel Four, who own the rights to the Big Brother concept, were quick to dismiss the actions of the production team saying, “we have no idea what you’re talking about. Big Brother isn’t even scheduled. Who the hell is Sarah Green? How did you get this number?”