BREAKING NEWS: CURE FOR CANCER FINALLY FOUND… and Other Things Scientists Wish They Could Tell You

Scientists are a funny bunch. Ever since Archimedes jumped out of his bath and ran naked down the street shrieking ‘Eureka’ other scientists have longed to follow in his footsteps and enjoy a Eureka moment of their own. But few ever achieve such lofty ambitions, instead ending their days as broken opium addicts playing underground Russian Roulette in the slums of Vietnam.

Here we look at some of the most difficult and unanswered questions facing the modern scientific community.

Space yesterday

The Unifying Theory of Everything

Einstein knew what he was talking about when he came up with relativity and the speed of light and all that. But quantum physicists remain stumped by the strange fact that the inner cosmos of quantum physics remains at odds with the outer cosmos, or macro-universe.

A unifying theory would allow the quantum state extolled by scientists and the actual universe everyone else lives in to co-exist without breaking the apparently immutable laws of physics.

Described as the Holy Grail of science, a unifying theory remains elusive, but with every highly paid boffin on the planet bending their mind to this important question we can sleep easy in our beds knowing the truth might be just around the corner.

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Are We Living in a Simulation?

The notion that we are living in a simulation is nothing new. Science fiction authors have been posing this question for ages, but that hasn’t stopped self-congratulating atheists like Muslim-baiter Richard Dawkins or overly qualified comedian Jim Jeffries from pretending they only just came up with the idea.

But what if the scientists are right? What if our world is nothing more than a video game played by some bored cosmic entity in a far-flung dimension?

Scientists insist there is ample evidence to suggest we are, in fact, living in a computer generated universe, though they are careful to point out that this universe would be much like Sims and not at all like Minecraft.

Our own advances in Artificial Intelligence and computer technology suggest that one day it will be possible to create our own simulated universe. If, scientists argue, this is likely, then the odds are high that this has already happened and we are already inside one of those simulations.

Others argue that scientists have been smoking too much Neil De’Grass’ Tyson and should stick to something more useful like curing diseases or putting a monkey on Mars.

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Why Do People Still Vote Tory?

One of the most baffling mysteries of our time is why, even in the face of utter incompetency, proven arrogance and lies, casual disregard for the most vulnerable in our society and an open hatred for anyone who didn’t go to Eton, the regular everyday man in the street still happily votes for a Conservative government.

Richard Dawkins

Scientists are, perhaps, further from finding an answer to this connundrum than ever before.

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Lead physicist at the National Institute of Physics, Jeremy Umbridge, told The Shunt:

“it’s one of the great mysteries, right up there with ‘is God real?’ and ‘why is it when I leave my phone charger alone for five minutes it tangles itself into a million knots?'”

Why a seemingly normal, hard working, right thinking person should throw away all reason and actively vote into power some of the biggest cockwombles this country has ever produced is quite beyond logic. Then again, I voted for Boris because I hate the blacks, so I can’t talk. I don’t mind the Polish though. They do a very good job cleaning my car.”

Science remains at the leading edge of discovery and will probably answer all these questions and more at some point in the future. In the meantime the only limit is our imagination and possibly also the peer review process which tends to be a bit biased in favour of certain paradigms.

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