Some people might think the most pertinent and pressing questions of the day are ‘what are the symptoms?’, ‘What should I do if I think I have the Coronavirus?’ Or ‘How bad is the spread of infection likely to get?’
But these queries are small-fry compared with some of the tricky posers we get regularly in The Daily Shunt inbox. We’ve employed the help of some of the country’s top scientists and experts to finally provide answers to your most oft repeated enquiries:
Q: If those funny looking face masks don’t prevent the spread of the virus, why do Chinese people still wear them?
A: Believe it or not, vanity! The Chinese have always been fashion-conscious and modern China is the mecca of the modern fashion world. Most people who wear face masks do so because they want to look ‘cool’ and ‘down with the kids’. Only a small percentage wear them because they erroneously believe they will help them avoid contracting a deadly virus.
Q: I’m a high-class escort and frequently swap bodily fluids with my clients. Should I wear a funny looking facemask while doing this?
A: Only if the client requires it. Some ‘punters’ like the call girls they pay for to dress up a bit and a facemask might do it for some people. Not everyone enjoys cosplay though, so be sure to ask your client first and remember to always use a safe word like Volcano or Ed Sheeran.
Q: With all this Coronavirus news on the telly, I haven’t heard anyone mention Brexit for a while. Should I still be obsessed with Brexit or can I have a bit of a holiday from it all?
A: Brexit remains on everyone’s minds, even when it isn’t constantly being rammed down our throats 24 hours a day seven days a week by a news media, so yes, you should still remain vigilant on the topic of Brexit.
Q: I have a funny lump shaped like Jesus Christ. Do I have the Coronaviruses?
A: Any funny lumps, even those shaped like Our Lord and Saviour, the son of God, should be checked out by a medical professional as soon as possible. Some lumps might be an evil twin that you absorbed in the womb and which was never born. It might be slowly draining you of vital nutrients in an attempt to manifest and burst out of your skin like the baby alien in that movie. So make an appointment with your GP just in case.
Q: Should I refer to the virus currently wreaking global havoc as The Coronavirus or COVID 19? I’m terribly conflicted.
A: We feel your pain. We recommend using the official COVID 19 as the term Coronavirus actually pertains to a broad swathe of infectious diseases in animals and not just the one currently doing the rounds.
We hope these answers have helped to put your minds at rest. Please keep sending us your questions about COVID 19 and we’ll do our best to remember to answer them at some point.